As I am writing in Art Star, I am on a 30 day fast/prayer/spiritual walk with God.
The four principals of "One Month To Live" are:
1. Live Passionately
2. Love Completely
3. Learn Humbly
4. Leave Boldly
I was reflecting on number one, because I felt like I used to do a pretty great job of living passionately.
In fact maybe you could say that I lived too passionately.
At my height I was somewhat famous character at my small college. During the first semester of my sophomore year I was constantly in the school newspaper. I held a powerful position in student government. I would throw $600 dollar dinners and parties that hundreds of people would go to. I got to write a letter that was delivered to all faculty, students, and staff. I was an officer in the top fraternity on campus. There were pictures of me with the most beautiful girls on campus plastered all over the school for an art campaign. I performed spoken word to great acclaim, I was a hot shot young artist. 1/4th of the school had joined a facebook group that was called "Darryl Ratcliff Is The Most Interesting Person That I Know". I had a gorgeous girl friend who was a real life African princess and was an even better person than myself. I had just come off of a stellar first year where I had made school history twice, and it really seemed like the world was my oyster. Even the President of the college was willing to write me recommendations. I was a finalist (along with my gf) for the highest award a sophomore could get at Davidson. There was a good buzz that I might become the youngest student body president in school history. Women loved me and men wanted to be me.
Yet, it was the worst time period of my life. I was miserable, I was psychotic, I was spiritually bankrupt, and I almost withdrew from college.
It was the first time in my life that I had ever done something that I could qualify as a "Regret". I watched my GPA go from a 3.56 to a 2.13. I had a major manic episode that almost killed me and ruined some of my best relationships. I was depressed. My best friend transferred, my girl friend left me. I lost the election. I blew up at the administration. I didn't win the award. More and more people left my fan club. Everything that had been so good faded away.
And I was left with this simple fact: it is not enough to live passionately.
While living life to fullest I had neglected to learn how to love.
More specifically I hadn't learned how to love myself. And what I didn't know is that if you can't love yourself you can't love anyone else.
So the healing process really started that summer. And I decided to resign from everything that I had been doing for my Junior year and to just focus on learning how to love people.
It is an ongoing battle to learn how to love completely. And honestly love can humble you like no other.
However, it was really focusing on learning how to love myself that still is the hardest thing for me to do. Some people might say that I love myself too much, and I am arrogant and cocky.
Unfortunately there is a huge difference between pride and self-love.
I lived my life to fullest during my teenage years because I thought I was going to die before I was 20. And I did a great job of making this a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But God must not be done with me yet - I made it through and now I am a young twentysomething. Now I am learning how to love completely. How to be open with people. How to trust people. How to not be so defensive.
I am learning how to make unselfish love for the other a lifestyle.
And everyday I am humbled.
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